On Paper Accomplishments

February 26, 2024

Author: Justine Karp

Editor: Ryan Hammel

I’ve often been told, “You have nothing to be sad about. Other people have it way worse.” This phrase echoed in my mind like a broken record. From a young age, I have been fortunate to have been enveloped in support: growing up in an idyllic suburb near New York City, blessed with ample resources for education, hobbies, and exploration. Most importantly, I am grateful to have had constant emotional support from my parents, including the therapist they provided me with.

Yet, life’s complexities cannot not easily be tied with a bow. Despite a resume filled with achievements and success, finding happiness within has always been a struggle for me. I’ve matched every societal metric of success - academically, athletically, and socially - fueling the expectation that I should be infinitely joyful. However, my first depressive episode in my junior year of high school shattered this facade. I felt dramatic and selfish, two emotions that were never dispelled.

I navigated through this dark period by clinging to distractions: daily routines of exercise and SAT prep, followed by nights drowned in tears and Taylor Swift’s songs. This coping mechanism, albeit unhealthy, served its purpose temporarily. Acknowledging the hardship of others and avoiding my own, I minimized my struggles. Unsurprisingly, this led to a relapse into depression six months later.

I’ve worked diligently to cultivate pride and strength from within rather than relying solely on my tangible achievements. Yet, this internal journey presents its challenges. In moments of vulnerability, I often default to setting lofty goals, believing that the next accomplishment will bring the satisfaction I seek. However, repeatedly, I am reminded that these external successes are fleeting, their joy temporary.

I’ve started to see that the true essence of fulfillment emerges through the simple, often overlooked moments of connection and kindness. Engaging in heartfelt conversations (often out at parties with people I’ve never met), sharing spontaneous laughter, or even the act of giving a bag of Doritos to a homeless man on the Corner - these actions resonate deeply, offering a sense of contentment that no accolade can. In these instances of genuine human connection and compassion, I find a more profound, lasting happiness.

The supportive network I’ve cultivated, both old and new, has been instrumental in this realization. I’ve cherished spontaneous connections in lecture halls and enduring bonds with high school friends now miles away. I am grateful for my close group of friends who can tell I will cry before I know it, who are there holding my hand and making me laugh on my darkest days. These relationships have illuminated the triviality of academic perfection, teaching me the invaluable lesson that a 95% on a test is genuinely inconsequential.

On one level, I seek validation - a sense of solidarity from others who have been dismissed with the notion that their struggles are insignificant compared to greater adversities. On the other hand, it’s a personal challenge to affirm that my well-being extends beyond the confines of grades and accolades. Regardless, it represents a more profound journey towards acknowledging and confronting my ongoing battle to derive happiness from the essence of my being rather than the superficialities of achievements. I am excited to keep going. 

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Why Yellow

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Outgrowing The Things You Love